Rollercoaster of feelings.

My Mothe r, who is almost 90,  has to move out of her home after 42 years.  She has lived in the same spot for over 60 years. She has lived in the same neighborhood for that long as well. She doesn't want to move, and I'm here helping her get ready to do so. Today was not a good day. She was trying to help me wrap up some things for the boxes. She did okay but I think the memories and the reality of the move overcame her. When my mom gets anxious, she also gets irritable. She has her own system of doing things and at this point she has to rely on me and it is not fun. She gets depressed and she just says things like "I don't want to move and I just want to go on a nursing home." Once the move is over, I think she's going to be ok. But until then it isn't going to be easy. I have a very similar personality to my mothers.  Things between us can become tense at times ,and it is hard for me to remember that she is under this kind of stress and what it must feel like. I'm grateful for being able to be with her, and to help her with this. I just want everything to be smooth and comfortable for her. I think this is just an awesome thing to go through and I am just praying that we're going to be able to overcome this and look back with gratitude in a year or two and be grateful for where we will be. For those of you whose mother has passed on, I know you would tell me to be grateful for the time I have with her and to overlook a lot of things. Believe me I think about that every day. I try to remind myself when she talks too much, or she is too difficult, or she is being very demanding, that one day I may not have her in my life ?  I bite my tongue as much as I can. Not always easy to do.
I know this situation will be over in a short while.

Hot Air! I am under it this time!

I had a great experience riding in a hot air balloon.   I got up before sunrise to watch the balloon fest associated with the Dublin, GA St. Patrick's day celebration.   It is unusual for me to get up that early for any reason.   I have gotten a new camera, and it motivates me to do things in search of great photo ops!  I had beautiful shots of the morning launch, and while I was there I ran into an acquaintance who was going for a ride in the balloons.   She is a bit older than I and she was there alone. She said I have always wanted to do this, and now is the time.   I realized as she was talking, and also because my best friend had said that riding in the hot air balloons was on her bucket list, that it was a once in a lifetime experience that I wanted to try.    It looks so amazing to watch those balloons going up at the mercy of the wind.    There is a quality of magic in it.

I made the decision right then and there that I wanted to do it and put my name on the list for a ride.   It looked like there might be an afternoon spot available, and so as I watched the morning launch I started to get excited.    I got the call confirming my spot and showed up amidst all the balloon captains and crews laying out and preparing the balloons to go.    I met a great crew of people and along with my friends to see me off went up in the Blue Flame with David Harwell.  David has been piloting balloons for rover thirty years, and he has owned seven different balloons. The Blue Flame is a splendid large balloon that fits three in the basket.  

 Once the balloon was inflated, it took almost no time for us to be ascending and leaving my friends shrinking on the ground.  I was really amazed at how calm I was, but also a bit alarmed to realize how little control there is for these balloons.

  You are truly subject to the wind and you have to go in that direction.   No control.    David explained to my fellow balloonist JoAnn Dotson and I that this was a fairly safe trip with the exception of the danger of landing in electric wires.   He would periodically reach up and pull the lever to shoot the flame from the gas burner into the balloon, heating the air and controlling our altitude.

   Other than the loud sound of the fire, like a super torch for ten or fifteen seconds it was total silence.   Amazing.

 Looking at the other balloons ahead and behind us was like being in a dream.   It reminded me of jellyfish floating in the water at different levels, but still going with the current.   Seeing my hometown from above was very disorienting, but when I recognized a landmark it gave me a whole new way of thinking and seeing things.     There were a lot of forests and fields around the town and we drifted over the Oconee River our Captain began looking for a place to set down.

  David said that there was a lot of forest ahead and we needed to find some "wiggle room" to avoid drifting over the woods and having to go a long long way.     We could see our chase team following us and David decided it was best to try to set down on the side of the road.  That was kind of scary because there were electric wires running on the opposite side of the road!   I realized we didn't have any brakes, and stopping was totally at the skill of the pilot! Wiggle room???  We went lower and lower and I thought surely we were going to hit the trees., which we did!

 The bottom of the basket scraped the trees and helped us go slower.    We set down right by the road and it was amazing!  The cars coming and going stopped and watched as we set down and then climbed out.    The process of deflating and packing the balloon was quite a chore, but it was a great feeling!  I enjoyed it a lot!    It was a real feeling of adventure, and I was proud that I could have the courage to ride the wind!

Decisions, decisions, decisions!

Another day with more certainty that I do have the shingles around my eye and on my face.   Darn it.   I had planned to drive to Florida to spend the next week with my mom.   I am not in much pain.  Some discomfort.  I am hitting it with all the meds that I can think of.  Saw the ophthalmologist today and she said that she thought the eyeball looked fine and to keep a watch on it.   I feel ok, A bit drained and taking all this medicine is a bit much for my body, but I am grateful that the bad pain that people talk of is not there.  I have a little pain.    Tylenol is managing it.  
If I were to go to my Mom's I would drive by myself and I am a little worried about this.  It tires me to do it when I am well.   I could go part of the way and stop for the night.   I worry about being alone on the road at times, although I am very cautious and observant when I am alone.    I also don't want to show up at my Mom's with a funny looking face and I am sure people will not feel all that comfortable.   I will wait until in the morning and see.  My right eye is swollen and looks like I got hit without the black and blue part.   I want to be in Florida and I feel stuck.  
  I didn't take the shingles vaccine because I thought if you had shingles once you couldn't get it again.   I had a mild case of it some years ago.   I definitely know this is wrong, so if you are a candidate for the vaccine go get it!    I just feel a little scared.   Don't know why.  Sometimes being alone, living alone is very easy, and sometimes I feel very small and wished I had someone to take care of me. Someone I could hide behind and know that they had my back.  I do have friends who do a darned good job of this when they can, as they can.  Thank God for that!!!!

Shingles

I had a little area come up on my eyebrow next to the top of my nose and I had this idea that it should be seen about, so I went to the Urgent Care center and the Nurse Practitioner looked at it. She thought it might be shingles so we jumped on it with all of the anti-virals and antibiotics and steroids.   I am hoping it won't be shingles, but I feel optimistic if it is that we are treating it early.  I hate the idea that it is shingles.  I had them once before and I thought you could only get them once, and therefore didn't get the vaccine they have now.   If you have had the chicken pox you need to get the vaccine for the shingles virus.  Please do it!   I am sure you know people who have had it and how painful it can be.    Praying makes a difference and I am doing plenty of that so this will heal tomorrow!

Getting adjusted to not working full time.

Today was a bit boring.   I noticed a distinct change in my energy and enthusiasm.   I have expected to see some of these changes.   I was sorting through my sock drawer, matching pairs and weeding out those solitary widows who have lost their mates.   That is boring.   My lunch buddies from work called me and they asked me to meet them for lunch.  I hadn't planned to go, but I realized that my mood was getting a little blue and I shifted gears and headed for the door.   I have eaten lunch with Jackie and Tom for at least ten years.

I can truly say they are like my family and I think there was a fear that my retirement would end our friendship.  I knew that there wasn't any chance of that,  and it has been reassuring that our time together is just as precious as ever.   I actually did accomplish several things.  I washed a load of wash, I defrosted some frozen food and had a really good supper.   I walked my dogs.  I visited with three of my neighbors.   I completely emptied a box of reciepts and documents for 2013, getting ready for taxes.   I took care of several phone calls and kept an eye on the news and especially the weather.  there is a winter storm watch for this area and a strong likelihood of winter weather, snow and ice in Northern Georgia.  I really wanted to go and watch the snow fall and accumulate, but the forecast is for ice and I know how dangerous this is.   I did the wise thing and decided to stay home, but I sort of felt that was a mistake.  That somehow I was betraying my Seize the Day philosophy and becoming a grown up.   Who wants to be a grown up?   That is really depressing.
I also spent time with a program http://www.bitstrips.com that enables you to make cartoons and learned some of the operation of that.  It was a bit complicated and I wish I could learn more .  I don't think it is that hard, if you know what you are doing.  I believe people need to try things.   How do you know you have a talent if you don't allow yourself to experience it?  That is one of the reasons I think something like Girl and Boy Scouts are such a good thing for kids to be involved in.   Earning badges prompts scouts to try many different skills and learn a variety of new things that  enlarge a young persons experience base.  I have thought about being a scout leader,  but I would see that as a big commitment.   I might head that way before it is over.   

Downsizing, letting go, organizing, simplifying.

I have a large stack of boxes full of papers and books that I brought home when I closed my office.   I went through most of the things when I packed them, but it got to the point that I just had to go ahead and put the things in boxes.  I had to get out of there.    It was just the need to make the break and to get my things out of that room and out of the building.   I had no place to put them but in the middle of my living room floor and there they have sat since the beginning of December.   I also had some Christmas decorations and a few other boxes to add to the stack.   Today I managed to get some of the mountain of boxes rearranged and organized a little differently and I managed to do a good bit of house cleaning and washing.   I am tired and feel at last I have begun the process of reclaiming my space.   I don't know what to do with my boxes from my office.   I kept a lot of files because if I continue to practice as a therapist I need access to some of this material.   I have collected different books that I use with clients in bibliotherapy.  I have also collected a variety of manuals and program development materials to help me put together programs and proposals.   I wish I knew if I were going to need these things.   I would love to toss a lot of it.  I doubt I will ever look at it again.   I am at a loss as to what to do with it all.   I really don't have room for it at home.  I need another room!   Any suggestions.   I am really focused on downsizing my clothes and some other collections that I have grown throughout the years.   I had a friend when I was a little girl who had the skill to totally clean her room when the time came.  She could through things out when she didn't use them anymore and she kept everything neat and clean.   Even when I tried to throw things out so my room could look like hers, I never did acquire that skill.    I am a hoarder, a pack rat, a collector, a save it you might need it kind of girl.   I wish I could be free of that and let go.    That is one of my goals for this year.   Throw it out if it isn't used, if it is old, or worn out, if it is a duplicate, if it is dated and stale.      I am just going to keep on trying!  Any suggestions?

Philip Seymour Hoffman

Addiction is a serious and fatal illness.   Another victim of this horrible disease was claimed this week.   I feel a real sense of loss and sadness, more than the usual amount upon hearing of the passing of a celebrity.   His acting touched me in very personal ways.  I think becuase he exposed a very vulnerable part of himself when he acted, and had the ability to see inside a character and bring out facets of the personality that we sense are there.    I have this thought that I only wish I had known he needed help, I only wish I had known that he was in distress.   Why didn't someone try to stop him?   Why didn't someone intervene?   I know it is said that if a person doesn't want help, then you can't help them.   I think we use this as an excuse not to try.   There are ways to try and extend a hand to people in distress.  There are ways to reach out and hold up a mirror to someone so they can see what is happening in their lives.   He had reasons to live.  He had reasons to continue to explore hiss potential and to be a father to his children.   

Lately, I have wondered if there were times I should have intervented in a situation, rather than walk away and say, "Let God take care of this."  Now that I am not working in a professional capacity, I find I have more energy and interest in the lives of the people around me.    As I continue in this life of not having to work at a job, I am slowly discovering more of who I am.  I am relaxing and taking things at an entirely different pace.   I am thinking more about others, and not so focused on what I have to do next in order to continue to work on a daily basis.    I reflect on how I was functioning and how I was managing my affairs.  I had no idea how much of my whole world was arranged in order to be able to continue at work.  I am amazed at how much of my "self" was lost in order to continue to work.    I don't think I am any different than most people who work hard in a fairly stressful and demanding job.    It is the price of stress.   I can understand how someone would want to find something to help them escape.   I am grateful for me that it wasn't drugs or alcohol that provided that cushion for me.

Walking Dead, the Dukes of Hazzard, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Gone with the Wind and other Georgia media hits

Interestingly, my part of the country has produced some international successes in TV and Film.   I just finished re-watching the second season of the AMC TV serices "The Walking Dead" with a friend who is viewing it for the first time.   I became a fan of the show the first time around.   I am not keen on horror, vampires and related shows, but I was convinced by another friend to give it a try and found it to be a very interesting, well acted, scary at times story of survival and the interaction of a group surrounded by the breakdown of society due to a pandemic that causes people to become zombies or to have to survive zombie attacks.     One of the things I like about watching this show and the reality series, "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo", is that it is filmed withing about 100 to 200  miles of my home.   It does show the culture, the people, the georgraphy, the architecture and other social activities.   This makes me wonder what the rest of the world thinks of us.  I think there is a fairly accurate portrayal of the very humane qualities of the people here.   Ordinary people in ordinary situations, and then in contrast, ordinary people in extraordinary situations.   The movie, Gone with the Wind made a great impact on the world's perceptions of the Deep South.   The image of women in antebellum hoop skirts drinking tea under stately oaks has been shattered by Moma June with her gaseous eruptions and Lori, Andrea and Carol's gritty survival instincts.   The underlying essence of a southern woman is perhaps unshaken in the values of family, independence and willingness to do whatever it takes to survive and help the ones they love endure in the face of overwhelming odds.   I like Moma June because I know the town and the environment within which she is operating.  She has managed to take what comes down to pretty much nothing and propel her family into the international spotlight.   That in itself is impressive.   I met her briefly in front of her home, and found her to be a very genial and gracious person willing to take the time to talk and promote the larger causes that the family fame has drawn attention to.    I realize that many people are embarrassed by her and the family antics, but I think the closer we get to keeping it simple and loving each other and ourselves the more deeply happy we can be.
Leadership takes on different forms.   In Honey Boo Boo, June is the leader.   In the WAlking Dead, it is Rick.   I think a lot about leadership, and the importance of having good leadership.   I look at governments, neighborhoods, groups of friends, work environments and repeatedly we all know that the ones that achieve the most and function the best are the ones with strong leadership.  I wonder about places like Egypt and Iran and other situations that are bereft of strong leadership.   We all want someone to come in , take over and make everything ok.   Sometimes we think that will be our husband, or our wife, or a parent, or a boss.   We put people in impossible situations and wonder why they fail.   We are hurt and disappointed when our President doesn't meet our expectations.   I think we all want to live in the movies rather than understand the complexities of the society that we live in.

If Momma ain't happy.......

Just got back from a five day trip to Mother's.   She is doing ok.     She lives in South Florida in a 55plus retirement community.  Actually, she lived there, as did I, when we were under 55 years of age.  Now at 89, she has lived there over 60 years and due to refurbishment of the park, she is having to move a short distance to another location.  This has been a big deal and a long process that has resulted in a lot of anxiety.   We went to help her pick out a place and she found one quickly and it is very nice.  She is happy and I am relieved.  The weather there was wonderful.   It did rain the day before we left, but it was warmer and compared to the rest of the country it felt great.   I wish I could have stayed longer.   I have a headache and the constant heater running dries out the air so much in the house.  I might have to get out and do something but I just don't feel like it.  

I have been thinking a lot about men and women , and how things might have been different if I were a man.    I do tend to notice small things in my day to day life that reflect the automatic behaviors in our culture that are dictated by gender.   Being with my mother and my man friend on this trip, I had a chance to notice small ways that she will defer to him, or any male for that matter, because he is a male.    I know that this had a big affect on me growing up, because it just has to.  There is no way that attitude of male superiority can't be transmitted onto me by my mother as she raised me.   I am starting to think about how it has shown up in my life, and how it still effects me.   A lot of thinking to do!

Sometimes I just don't want to sleep.

I have never been a morning person.  I always have a hard time waking.   I am so relieved that I don't have to get up early anymore.   Ironically, I still wake up about the same time.   I am often tired, and typically don't get more than seven hours or so of sleep.    Thankfully, I sleep well.   I have learned that I can't drink any caffiene after 5 pm or I will not sleep that night.  I like to stay up and read, or find small projects to do.   Sometimes I listen to music.   Sometimes I knit or watch tv.    I just enjoy that time of the day.   It is usually quiet and I feel calmer.    Tonight is a good example.   It is 3 am and I am posting a blog entry.

I think part of it is loneliness.   I think part of it is just my internal clock.   I don't want to miss anything.   I don't want to miss an opportunity.  I used to think that when I worked it took that long to wind down and to have time for myself.   I am not sure if that is the reason or not.

I am tired at last, and my bed is straightened.    I think I will take a quick hot shower and go to sleep.  I have to take Hoosier tomorrow to get his shots and to get fixed.   Shhhhhh, don't tell him he is about to loose his balls in the morning.

Yogalicious!

I went to yoga tonight, after aqua zumba.   This yoga class is more of a stress reducer and meditation, stretching than it is hard core difficult poses.   My new favorite person is my teacher for both classes, Maria Williams.  She is very talented and a skilled instructor.    Despite her gentle and simple instructions, I found myself feeling sore and achy.  Tonight, I am more achy and I am thinking that there is more to this yoga than meets the eye.   I am very cautious about what I do and always elect the less strenuous option, but nonetheless, it is stretching some things I didn't know I had.   One simple thing I find difficult is sitting on my heels, kneeling with my weight on my lower legs.   My knees are proclaiming, "What in the hell are you thinking?".   I think one of the best parts is her emphasis on breathing.  She is very focused on taking control of the breathing.   She says, "Control your breath and then control your mind."   I am hoping my body will cooperate.

On a lighter note, I got a call from my Mother tonight proclaiming, "I am at a party! Can't you hear the music?"   She had walked down to the Community Hall and they were having a party. She really enjoyed herself.  Apparently she went alone and brought her bottle of wine that I had left from my last trip. She said that she heard it was BYOB.    She was having a great time and thank God some of her friends had her under their wing.   (Don't tell her you read that on here.  I will never hear the end of it).   She is always full of surprises.    

Did I tell you Rusty and I won at trivia last night?  

I also had lunch with two of my favorite people and went by my old office today. I had to check on some things and drop off some movies.    I hope everyone stays warm.   I am looking at the temperatures up north and I see my New York family is in hibernation.    Eskimo kiss anyone?

Brrrrrrr! Sometimes this town is as cold as the weather.

Today was one of those days when it seemed nothing was getting done, but I was busy all the time!    I have been working on insurance problems, paying bills, yada yada,    Rusty and I did play trivia tonight and through some pretty sophisticated  strategy we won!   First time we won at Peter's Place and we had fun!   I met some new people who were relatively new to Dublin.  It is funny that after all these years I still don't feel like I am "from" here.   They talked about that strange phenomena of being in the "Dublin Bubble".    That is a pretty good way to describe it.   There seems to be a very different way of life , although very subtle.  You are either from here, or not.    I have watched this for many years.   It is hard to describe this.  People who are from here don't know that it exists.  They assume it is normal.  People not from here know very clearly that it exists, and in fact without an exception talk about the difficulty of being accepted.   I doubt it is unique to Dublin.  It is probably just a phenomena of a smallish rural southern town.  Some people who have lived in other deep south towns do think it is stronger or more unique here.   I do feel like I am at peace with it after all these years, but I still feel better when I leave and I almost never look forward to coming back "home" after I have been gone.   I feel proud of the fact that I have adjusted, and have made my place here.  I think most people would have left, and in fact a lot of 'imports' do leave within a few years.   I think it takes about five years to make a crack in the network.   It is an exclusive club.

Yard Work!

How boring could it be for me to post about doing yard work? A picture would help, but I forgot to take a before and ow it is dark, so I can't take an 'after'. I have a helper who as of late has not been very helpful, so my yard work has been behind. I really have not ever gotten all the leaves up from the fall! There was pine straw on the roof and just a mess everywhere. Since it was almost 70 degrees today I decided today was the day, so my dear friend Rusty helped me clean up a lot of the leaves and got the roof cleaned off for me. We worked for about four hours so I am satisfied with that. I have more to do of course, but the temperature is dropping in a few days. This has been a cold, but snow free winter. Something tells me that there will be no snow in Dublin this year. I think my northern friends have gotten more that their share this year. I would like to spend more time in NYC and western NY during the different seasons. I have mostly been there in the summer. I would like to travel there and play in the snow, watch it and drive around and see the trees with no leaves. I have never skied or snowmobiled. I would like to ice skate, but I know I would fall and I don't want to risk that. I would like to make a big fat snowman and have a good snowball fight! It is so cold that I think I need to head south pretty soon. It is too dreary here.

Shoving Off!

I suspect this will be an occasional chronicle of my life as I move into the next phase of my life. I retired from a 34 year career with the State of Georgia as a therapist on December 1st, 2013. I have really enjoyed the last six weeks. I traveled and I finally am settled down with my routine back at home. I absolutely love retirement. I may want to work again, but right now I am enjoying my rest and really appreciating time to get back in touch with who I am. I am living in Dublin and I am trying to improve my home. I have closed my office and the middle of my living room is full of boxes that have to be unpacked. I have to first clean out my back room and office in order to get everything in place. I have a bit of a pack rat in me and this is really a big challenge for me. I tend to want to keep things for "later". I also have numerous collections that all take space. I have ten sets of dishes, crystal, vases, books, yarn, clothes, jewelry, art, four guitars, various other collections. I am going to do some downsizing. I have read several articles about this, and all of the suggestions make sense, but it is difficult to translate into action. I bought a big screen TV that I love and beetween that and my computer I have been doing a lot of reading and watching movies. I am going the gym and getting up in the mornings rather than sleeping in. I am only getting about six hours of sleep a night. Sometimes a take a nap, but I tend not to. I plan to spend more time with my Mother in Florida. I guess I will blog some events and experiences, sharing with others and learning from others. I welcome feedback and comments, if nothing more than to know you are out there reading! Right now I am watching the AFC championship game between Denver and New England. Right now Denver is winning and I suspect they will be playing in the Super Bowl this year.