Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Decisions, decisions, decisions!

Another day with more certainty that I do have the shingles around my eye and on my face.   Darn it.   I had planned to drive to Florida to spend the next week with my mom.   I am not in much pain.  Some discomfort.  I am hitting it with all the meds that I can think of.  Saw the ophthalmologist today and she said that she thought the eyeball looked fine and to keep a watch on it.   I feel ok, A bit drained and taking all this medicine is a bit much for my body, but I am grateful that the bad pain that people talk of is not there.  I have a little pain.    Tylenol is managing it.  
If I were to go to my Mom's I would drive by myself and I am a little worried about this.  It tires me to do it when I am well.   I could go part of the way and stop for the night.   I worry about being alone on the road at times, although I am very cautious and observant when I am alone.    I also don't want to show up at my Mom's with a funny looking face and I am sure people will not feel all that comfortable.   I will wait until in the morning and see.  My right eye is swollen and looks like I got hit without the black and blue part.   I want to be in Florida and I feel stuck.  
  I didn't take the shingles vaccine because I thought if you had shingles once you couldn't get it again.   I had a mild case of it some years ago.   I definitely know this is wrong, so if you are a candidate for the vaccine go get it!    I just feel a little scared.   Don't know why.  Sometimes being alone, living alone is very easy, and sometimes I feel very small and wished I had someone to take care of me. Someone I could hide behind and know that they had my back.  I do have friends who do a darned good job of this when they can, as they can.  Thank God for that!!!!

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Shingles

I had a little area come up on my eyebrow next to the top of my nose and I had this idea that it should be seen about, so I went to the Urgent Care center and the Nurse Practitioner looked at it. She thought it might be shingles so we jumped on it with all of the anti-virals and antibiotics and steroids.   I am hoping it won't be shingles, but I feel optimistic if it is that we are treating it early.  I hate the idea that it is shingles.  I had them once before and I thought you could only get them once, and therefore didn't get the vaccine they have now.   If you have had the chicken pox you need to get the vaccine for the shingles virus.  Please do it!   I am sure you know people who have had it and how painful it can be.    Praying makes a difference and I am doing plenty of that so this will heal tomorrow!

Monday, February 10, 2014

Getting adjusted to not working full time.

Today was a bit boring.   I noticed a distinct change in my energy and enthusiasm.   I have expected to see some of these changes.   I was sorting through my sock drawer, matching pairs and weeding out those solitary widows who have lost their mates.   That is boring.   My lunch buddies from work called me and they asked me to meet them for lunch.  I hadn't planned to go, but I realized that my mood was getting a little blue and I shifted gears and headed for the door.   I have eaten lunch with Jackie and Tom for at least ten years.
I can truly say they are like my family and I think there was a fear that my retirement would end our friendship.  I knew that there wasn't any chance of that,  and it has been reassuring that our time together is just as precious as ever.   I actually did accomplish several things.  I washed a load of wash, I defrosted some frozen food and had a really good supper.   I walked my dogs.  I visited with three of my neighbors.   I completely emptied a box of reciepts and documents for 2013, getting ready for taxes.   I took care of several phone calls and kept an eye on the news and especially the weather.  there is a winter storm watch for this area and a strong likelihood of winter weather, snow and ice in Northern Georgia.  I really wanted to go and watch the snow fall and accumulate, but the forecast is for ice and I know how dangerous this is.   I did the wise thing and decided to stay home, but I sort of felt that was a mistake.  That somehow I was betraying my Seize the Day philosophy and becoming a grown up.   Who wants to be a grown up?   That is really depressing.
I also spent time with a program http://www.bitstrips.com that enables you to make cartoons and learned some of the operation of that.  It was a bit complicated and I wish I could learn more .  I don't think it is that hard, if you know what you are doing.  I believe people need to try things.   How do you know you have a talent if you don't allow yourself to experience it?  That is one of the reasons I think something like Girl and Boy Scouts are such a good thing for kids to be involved in.   Earning badges prompts scouts to try many different skills and learn a variety of new things that  enlarge a young persons experience base.  I have thought about being a scout leader,  but I would see that as a big commitment.   I might head that way before it is over.   

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Downsizing, letting go, organizing, simplifying.

I have a large stack of boxes full of papers and books that I brought home when I closed my office.   I went through most of the things when I packed them, but it got to the point that I just had to go ahead and put the things in boxes.  I had to get out of there.    It was just the need to make the break and to get my things out of that room and out of the building.   I had no place to put them but in the middle of my living room floor and there they have sat since the beginning of December.   I also had some Christmas decorations and a few other boxes to add to the stack.   Today I managed to get some of the mountain of boxes rearranged and organized a little differently and I managed to do a good bit of house cleaning and washing.   I am tired and feel at last I have begun the process of reclaiming my space.   I don't know what to do with my boxes from my office.   I kept a lot of files because if I continue to practice as a therapist I need access to some of this material.   I have collected different books that I use with clients in bibliotherapy.  I have also collected a variety of manuals and program development materials to help me put together programs and proposals.   I wish I knew if I were going to need these things.   I would love to toss a lot of it.  I doubt I will ever look at it again.   I am at a loss as to what to do with it all.   I really don't have room for it at home.  I need another room!   Any suggestions.   I am really focused on downsizing my clothes and some other collections that I have grown throughout the years.   I had a friend when I was a little girl who had the skill to totally clean her room when the time came.  She could through things out when she didn't use them anymore and she kept everything neat and clean.   Even when I tried to throw things out so my room could look like hers, I never did acquire that skill.    I am a hoarder, a pack rat, a collector, a save it you might need it kind of girl.   I wish I could be free of that and let go.    That is one of my goals for this year.   Throw it out if it isn't used, if it is old, or worn out, if it is a duplicate, if it is dated and stale.      I am just going to keep on trying!  Any suggestions?

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Philip Seymour Hoffman

Addiction is a serious and fatal illness.   Another victim of this horrible disease was claimed this week.   I feel a real sense of loss and sadness, more than the usual amount upon hearing of the passing of a celebrity.   His acting touched me in very personal ways.  I think becuase he exposed a very vulnerable part of himself when he acted, and had the ability to see inside a character and bring out facets of the personality that we sense are there.    I have this thought that I only wish I had known he needed help, I only wish I had known that he was in distress.   Why didn't someone try to stop him?   Why didn't someone intervene?   I know it is said that if a person doesn't want help, then you can't help them.   I think we use this as an excuse not to try.   There are ways to try and extend a hand to people in distress.  There are ways to reach out and hold up a mirror to someone so they can see what is happening in their lives.   He had reasons to live.  He had reasons to continue to explore hiss potential and to be a father to his children.   

Lately, I have wondered if there were times I should have intervented in a situation, rather than walk away and say, "Let God take care of this."  Now that I am not working in a professional capacity, I find I have more energy and interest in the lives of the people around me.    As I continue in this life of not having to work at a job, I am slowly discovering more of who I am.  I am relaxing and taking things at an entirely different pace.   I am thinking more about others, and not so focused on what I have to do next in order to continue to work on a daily basis.    I reflect on how I was functioning and how I was managing my affairs.  I had no idea how much of my whole world was arranged in order to be able to continue at work.  I am amazed at how much of my "self" was lost in order to continue to work.    I don't think I am any different than most people who work hard in a fairly stressful and demanding job.    It is the price of stress.   I can understand how someone would want to find something to help them escape.   I am grateful for me that it wasn't drugs or alcohol that provided that cushion for me.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Walking Dead, the Dukes of Hazzard, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Gone with the Wind and other Georgia media hits

Interestingly, my part of the country has produced some international successes in TV and Film.   I just finished re-watching the second season of the AMC TV serices "The Walking Dead" with a friend who is viewing it for the first time.   I became a fan of the show the first time around.   I am not keen on horror, vampires and related shows, but I was convinced by another friend to give it a try and found it to be a very interesting, well acted, scary at times story of survival and the interaction of a group surrounded by the breakdown of society due to a pandemic that causes people to become zombies or to have to survive zombie attacks.     One of the things I like about watching this show and the reality series, "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo", is that it is filmed withing about 100 to 200  miles of my home.   It does show the culture, the people, the georgraphy, the architecture and other social activities.   This makes me wonder what the rest of the world thinks of us.  I think there is a fairly accurate portrayal of the very humane qualities of the people here.   Ordinary people in ordinary situations, and then in contrast, ordinary people in extraordinary situations.   The movie, Gone with the Wind made a great impact on the world's perceptions of the Deep South.   The image of women in antebellum hoop skirts drinking tea under stately oaks has been shattered by Moma June with her gaseous eruptions and Lori, Andrea and Carol's gritty survival instincts.   The underlying essence of a southern woman is perhaps unshaken in the values of family, independence and willingness to do whatever it takes to survive and help the ones they love endure in the face of overwhelming odds.   I like Moma June because I know the town and the environment within which she is operating.  She has managed to take what comes down to pretty much nothing and propel her family into the international spotlight.   That in itself is impressive.   I met her briefly in front of her home, and found her to be a very genial and gracious person willing to take the time to talk and promote the larger causes that the family fame has drawn attention to.    I realize that many people are embarrassed by her and the family antics, but I think the closer we get to keeping it simple and loving each other and ourselves the more deeply happy we can be.
Leadership takes on different forms.   In Honey Boo Boo, June is the leader.   In the WAlking Dead, it is Rick.   I think a lot about leadership, and the importance of having good leadership.   I look at governments, neighborhoods, groups of friends, work environments and repeatedly we all know that the ones that achieve the most and function the best are the ones with strong leadership.  I wonder about places like Egypt and Iran and other situations that are bereft of strong leadership.   We all want someone to come in , take over and make everything ok.   Sometimes we think that will be our husband, or our wife, or a parent, or a boss.   We put people in impossible situations and wonder why they fail.   We are hurt and disappointed when our President doesn't meet our expectations.   I think we all want to live in the movies rather than understand the complexities of the society that we live in.